Your time. Ill never get one of those hugs that last forever. My daughter took her life with a gun a little over 3 years ago. In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. Still cant get my head round it. My body and heart hurt so much that I can not find sleep. I have joined a local support group (SOBS) and straight away I felt less alone and my mood is always lifted. Im sorry youre going through this too. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. I hope he is up there looking over his family and friends and that he rests easy and flies high! At one point I caught him being quite mean to my 7 lb dog. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. What very few know is that our mother died by suicide, too and had had numerous failed attempts at suicide, as well. Im so sorry Aibon. This is why I mourn him Opinion: In the end, the legacy of the man who gunned down my brother is not only violence and hate. I thought they would listen to me and get him help. My heart feels heavy till this day and no Im not ok even if I dont show it, it really kills me to think he is no longer here and is harder to explain this to my children it kills me deeply. So, this makes everything worse, because Ive lost 2 essential people in my life. I both loved unconditionally, and despised and resented, this man, locked in a battle with myself over how I could love someone who treated me so badly, and how I could cut ties with someone I felt so irreversibly connected with. I told him that I wished he was a better man, and other stingers I knew would hit his vulnerability. Just me and the bearded dragon left behind in the kids room next door and the stray cat on the lawn that my neighbor used to feed. It effected my family, my kid, my relationship, my sex life and sunk me way deeper into depression. My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. Its crazy to read all these stories.. Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. I hated the curiosity, the judging, the blaming and the scrutiny that I got from friends and family. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Its not my atenttion take advantage of your pain. Or, he might have overdosed or gotten beaten to death, drunken in the park. Laquita Hughes March 25, 2021 at 10:33 pm Reply, my childhood friend just killed himself and its hard because he tried to visit me a month ago. Seeing him hanging on the tree was so devastating. how terribly alone. My brother shot himself Tuesday and left behind a wife, 2 young children and the rest of us lost. It is an . That didnt work. He would do this alot and sometimes Id think maybe he does not want me in his life. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I had a very dear friend take his own life in April 2021. He has always been an outgoing, fun-loving person, the life of every party. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, its no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years. I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . People do care. She ended her life a few weeks later. I just greive any human being could be that dark to do this but he is at peace. Alex Murdaugh's Brother: I Cleaned Up Bloody Murder Scene I was losing my happiness trying to make him happy. we both thought and told each other that is what we were. It hasnt gotten any easier, yet. Nobody can bring her back or undo this. No note. FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 1:39 am Reply. He wasnt my best friend or anything maybe like a good friend at most so part of me is always telling myself that I shouldnt be hurting right now. I m not understanding it at all and feel I should have known the depression that must have been there. I reassure her that this isnt her fault and that he was probably fighting many personal battles and emotions that she couldnt have known about in the short time they had reconnected. His parents made me move all my stuff out within 2 weeks. Her funeral is this coming Saturday. People dont work like that. I dont love you, I dont love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. My boyfriend of 14 years and father of our 4 boys (all under the age of 8) attempted suicide on October 27th, 2018. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what Im up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my childrens childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. No way was that true. My wife bore my sons and daughters. Tomorrow i am burying my brother john 58 years old who took his life by hanging .. hes been desprate for so many years and last straw was 2 months ago when mental health released him ..telling him there was nothing more they could do . He kept saying he was depressed and wasn't worth living. I urged her to not look at it that way. have so much of stress. Jeff and I were extremely close. Thank you for your content. It started a few days before he died actually. They did everything together. Another reason for me to continue to point people in the direction of this website. Its an intense weight and it just feels like too much. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. And although you might relate to aspects of another persons grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. Like you that pain will never heal and every day every minute like yoi always thoughts are their . My family does not understand. That is how I can keep on going on. It was 11 p.m. so i was confused. in fact, you may find it very comforting as well. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. .. Figuring Sh*t Out being one of the books. It can happen ti anyone. There is simply no possible way for anyone to know or understand fully without having the same experience. My dad had fallen back onto the bed. there will be no note(s). Im still learning a lot from this. I honestly don't know what the right answer is, I don't even know if there is a right answer. You are not alone. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. Although I could have done more towards the end, I must forgive myself, as I did the best I could with the knowledge at hand, at that time. I have three brothers, my papa, nieces, nephews, my in laws , daddyif it was important and at 2 am I knew something was wrong. I feel very guilty because I feel like because of me my children do not have a father. Thank you for sharing your story and these important words of encouragement/empowerment. This may sound weird, especially to me, but I am so glad I posted. Thank you for the love and words of advice, kind stranger. An amazing friend killed himself 51 weeks ago. Julie, Im so sorry for your loss. April 14,2008 My big brother died that way too. My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. I just hope Im not screwing myself up more feeling this way. Arce February 28, 2023 at 12:59 am Reply. She wasnt born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. I cant imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I cant help but feel that what Im going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. Im lost, confused, and broken. I have had a very hard time trying to cope with these losses. No one to talk to, to tell about your day, to talk about your childrens successes, strives, their challenges. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I will be thinking of you and your daughter. Friends went away, because they couldnt look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. I posted this on another article, but it really belongs hereand edited for this space My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I have truer to get help for the pain and grief but have no where to go. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. Always hold onto hope but reality is showing me that Ill never be ok. We used to be 4 now we are 3 left its the worst thought, i wish nobody would understand how hard such a simple thing hurts. Said he wanted to deal with it his own way. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions. Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a specific type of loss, individualgrief is uniqueto the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I still cant believe Im never going to see him again. But to stand strong and take this front on is to be strong for yourself. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. I dont know. This was her death. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. Im so sorry. I know it hurts that youre family is treating you like that, they obviously dont understand how it feels like to have depression and so they are afraid but reject you when you need them. His body was found and it was discovered hed overdosed. I found her the next morning on my way to work. Ray.perez001@gmail.com. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel like they have to lie or live in silence. May David rest in peace. I have reached out to a counselor I know I need help. It sounds like not knowing why your brother took his life is really troubling to you. Letting go doesnt mean forgetting. We said hurtful things to each other. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. MARIANNE MALONEY April 7, 2018 at 8:49 am Reply, My husband died by suicide 9/21/16 and was found by our young son the day played out with just enough guilt to last me a lifetime We argued about him sleeping in his office chair at 10 am- he had a history of drinking and anxiety meds use. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me via email. He was such a good boy. The pain will be their , the love will be their but to take this laying down will not change things . Bless you ? I am sorry for our collective losses..worst pain Ive ever felt. She didnt have kids and I feel so scared about me becoming a mother one day. Ok January 10 I got the call that forever changed me. The reality is if you have not experienced it you just cannot understand.and that is truly a good thing. Eventually, I offered to sign a document to allow him to stop paying me the last 5 years he still owed me if he would just send me a hardship document. You may not think so, but you can. Many others struggle with the complex feelings of grieving someone who was abusive or who they didnt like, experiencing relief while also the finality of a harmful relationship. My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. Now I will say time will never heal this wound, I only have learned to navigate it better and to be an advocate. When I see these comments, I know I am not alone in this journey. We feel guilty for not checking sooner although everything written says not our fault I dont know how we get past this. I have never had or believed in guns,my baby died by hanging. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. I know if I would have been with him at the time it would never had happened. What Michael Did | Toronto Star Oh man, I wish I knew what to say besides I'm so sorry and that's incredibly sad. You are not alone and by sharing my grief it seems to be helping me. I find it hard to talk to others about my pain because I feel like Im indulging in self pity and thats why Im here looking at the comments from others who have had the same experience. My Husband Killed Himself; I Found the Body; - Suicide.org Nicky November 30, 2018 at 5:02 pm Reply. My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and its been gnawing at me every moment Im not consumed by grief. Its hurting me and I barely knew him. I Inherited My Brother's Laptop After His Suicide, What I Found On It i have a terrrible temper and i simply wanted him to sober up. Thank you all for sharing your grief experience. It feels as if once I start screaming, I am never going to stop. If love was enough, he would still be here. According to theCenters for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 48,000 people died from suicide in the United States in 2018. Life is too beautiful and precious, not to seek help. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. I think all of this has been touched upon by your post and the comments, but some of the things I was unprepared for in grieving my mothers suicide included: How many people asked me (and continue to ask me) how my mother died; I think this is because Im relatively young to have lost a parent (I was 27 when she died), but I didnt really expect people to ask me outright. It seems to be too common. times were extremely hard following the death of someone with whom i had made so many plans! He had reached out to so many people that day and evening, family members as well as friends. Since his suicide I havent found anyone who I can relate to, this is a level of loneliness that I have nothing to compare to. Chuck took great pride in his legal abilities and knowledge, and his intellect in general. However, her mental health was clearly deteriorating the past year. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. . The next day he lost his teaching job. Lateral identifies the areas in a persons spinal cord where portions of the nerve cells that signal and control the muscles are located. I understand how catastrophic, and hard suicide is on the Survivors left to grieve. They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our lifes our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!! TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. However, what concerning the conclusion? You brought up many things that I had set aside, forgotten, and needed to hear again. After any death, mourners mayfeel like theyre losing it; and traumatic loss often exacerbates these feelings. I lost my sobriety after 25 yrs of abstaining, and when he was about to be hospitalized yet again, I realized that I had nothing to offer him unless I started taking care of myself. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that but I miss her still Ive relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I dont know how to get out of this sad rut Im in. My mom didnt want to let go. He always made everyone around him happy, cracked a joke or put people before himself. I don't know what to do. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. He tried to send me a message on fb. Only the person who dreams can interpret the dream . You will likely need support for all of your life please take it. He recently got fired from two jobs due to anger problems and had been drinking heavily. Its been a helpful resource. One last phone call. She can running into the living room where I was and fell to the floor crying hysterically and I couldnt understand her. It may be helpful to talk through this with a therapist or counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this helps a bit. I want you to know that your pain is completely normal and okay. linda September 19, 2017 at 3:10 pm Reply. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-vs-regret-in-grief/ For anyone who is thinking of hurting themselves, or even who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, Gamaliel Vasquez February 11, 2021 at 3:18 am Reply. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. I went to bereavement therapy after my mom passed away and it was VERY helpful and it was free, too. Most of my regrets are for the things he never got to do , like seeing the see. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. So its common to ask questions like What if?, Why?, and Whats the point?. Then I lost my dad in the same way. Perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness. He changed once he lost all the outer trappings of success, vitality, and control over his life. He tried some things with little reward. Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. My mom and I constantly reassured him he was amazing and wonderful because he was. Similiar to Chan. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. Marcus figueiredo November 28, 2018 at 12:39 pm Reply. He was 20 years old and he was so smart and funny and was always helping me and his brother. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. She writes out the storm. His wife and children are hurting. No one knows it until they experience it. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. Ellie October 11, 2016 at 1:22 pm Reply. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. I lost my cousin, my best friend, on 12/22/18 from suicide. I was married for 25 years to a man that cheated on me. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. I know he doesnt suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me! Yes, the loss is immensely unbearable, if not worse. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. seems like we need to chat I have a few questions for you. Like watch our kids grow up and eventually teach them about relationships and what makes a man a man. I forgive him, and myself for our human limitations in this life. I miss him so much and while I always knew it was a possibility to lose him in this way, it wasnt expected/detectable this time and that mixed with my past of always being there except this time is making this so much harder. Called his ex-wife the night before he wanted to take his boys to school the next morning. I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea. He was a brilliant artist with a strong intellect, warm, charming, and witty. My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. were never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . Some people cant imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves, so they might make assumptions or judge the deceaseds actions, calling them weak or selfish. Certainly, nobody will ever replace him, or the piece of my heart that he owns forever. I lost my partner of 25 years to suicide in November 2014. Told him about my first son the day after his 2nd son was born. . He did not want to listen at all. My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I went to her house earlier after I found out she killed herself my my uncle found her in her car running in the garage. I was not. But Im sure as being not just your brother but also best friend he knows how much you loved him and is smiling at you because now his pains have disappeared and hes all healthy now and at peace. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We need to remember good memories. I just killed my brother - YouTube Now you know why I am understanding this from another view. To cope? I dream I hug her and tell her I miss her. there are days where i am sad, and everyday i still think about and miss someone who was once my only friend, but i am happy. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. Why does everyone care about my weight?! His death was a waste and his body was wasted. And I dont blame him. I am remembering him with sadness but with less of a stab in the heart as before. Then started asking if anything happens to him will I help his wife with the boys. I am crying with you and your family tonight. They really in their sane selves would wish that for us. It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy. The grief is unbearable. You can do this. He became very bitter and angry the last few years of his life and I wasnt there for him as I should have been. Im not a Dr, so I can only draw conclusion based on research and experience with Him. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself through out the years. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. He put me onto the raiders bc of Bo Jackson, my first son is named Jackson.